This article dedicate to those who have lost a loved one or best friends. Hopefully this article helps those who is mourning their loss.
One of the bloggers asked Hiroko to write Hiroko’s experience how to overcome the sadness and hardship when she lost her loved one and her friends. Hiroko received five sad news within three month in Chicago. The first three sad news came to Hiroko within two month were her distant relative, her mother, and her close friend. She was devastated and didn’t know what to do because she was in Chicago. Hiroko received fourth one, uncle’s death, she thought she might have done something wrong. Then, last one came to Hiroko, she was shocked and got angry at God. Especially last one was Hiroko’s Professor who taught Hiroko Christianity 101. She was very close with this professor during her college life. As a Christian, Hiroko should ask God for help, and read Bible, but she couldn’t do those, on the contrary she got mad at and against Him, because of His responsibilities to happen these people’s death, she thought. Especially the Professor’s death made Hiroko so hurt. Hiroko thought she could talk about Jesus and Christianity with the Professor, because 13 years after she learned about Jesus from the Professor she finally received Jesus Christ as her Savior and Lord at previous year, but God took him.
Hiroko couldn’t pray to God but she could be mad at Him and said, “I think You did wrong things” and questioning Him, “Why did you do?” She couldn’t read the Bible, nor pray to God and even didn’t want to communicate with her Christian friends and walked around with her head down. Hiroko tried to cut off her friends but many were calling her and talked to her to remind that Hiroko and her daughter went to Japan for six months in the previous year and spent wonderful time with her mother and relatives. Those Christian friends’ words gave Hiroko comfort, and let her think about the wonderful time with her mother, relatives and friends in Japan. Hiroko thought back those days, it might be a big difference if she could say “Thanks” to God for letting her have those friends and such wonderful time in Japan.
Six months later, Hiroko’s family would attend the Church Summer Conference as usual summer activities. Before Hiroko mentioned her turning point at this conference, two interesting articles for suffering people would like to be mentioned: One article was taken from the monthly devotion guide called “Clay” dated June 10, 2011.
“Colleen married at 17 and gave birth for one girl, but at 25 years old her husband died with a sudden sickness. She was pregnant at the time. Several years later she married again and had 2 children. Her fourth child, Glen, was born premature, no anus, and slow learner. Her second husband had died of liver cancer, and soon after that Glen also died. Colleen had never stopped her beautiful smiling in these hardships that attacked her one by one. Pastor wondered why she can keep smiling, so he asked her. Colleen answered, “My feeling of joy might be expressed on my face. I have always known someone in my life, to whom I can depend on. Yes, it is Jesus. Jesus was with me and I believe firmly Jesus will be with me all the way, therefore I have joy and make me smile under any circumstance.”
Job 1:20 and 2:7-10 in the Bible
Job heard the news from his servant that he lost all his wealth and 10 children in one day. “At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”
Job afflicted with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the top of his head. Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it. His wife said to him, “Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!” He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”
Hiroko in her hardship couldn’t have those noble faiths on Jesus, but the Lord has been so good to her that letting Hiroko communicate with the Lord with getting angry and questioning.
In the summer conference mentioned above, Pastor Chiaki showed his love for the Lord with singing repeatedly the Hymn called “Jacobs Ladders.” When Hiroko was listening and singing with him, she would like to show her love to the Lord Jesus like the Pastor. Hiroko asked to the Lord Jesus to receive her forgiveness for her wrong attitude toward the Lord.
Another story was told by the year’s conference speaker who was physically disabled. The story made Hiroko to think and letting her to open the Bible. “The cold winter day at the one of the Northern towns, the Speaker finished his speaking engagement, and he was waiting for the train to move to another town for his another speaking engagement. The weather was getting colder and the snow was falling heavily, so it was questioned the train would be coming or not. The train station received the telegram for the Pastor to inform his daughter’s husband had died in a car accident. He was shocked to hear the news and felt so bad that he couldn’t do anything for his daughter. He opened the Bible, and surprised to see the verses, ‘Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” He said to the Lord, ‘Lord, how can I rejoice?’ He put his head down to hold himself in reverence to the Lord, then, he heard in his heart, ‘I’m with you, so you can talk to me anything, and give you comfort.’ Pastor realized His presence, and gave thanks and rejoiced to be able to talk to Him.
Hiroko broke her sadness and hardship when she said, “I’m sorry” at the conference. No one knows that at what occasion and when, how to get out of the sadness and hardship. However, God will guide you and lead you to the peace in the Lord.
Please continue to read the following Hiroko’s main idea of how to cope with the sadness and hardship after losing loved one or friends or relatives. The Hiroko’s main ideas was taken from the teaching by the Pastor of Hiroko’s church who hold the Doctor’s degree of Counseling, and the books recommended by the Pastor when he taught his congregation, which names are “Crisis Counseling” and Training Christian to Counsel” by H. Norman Wright.
Those who lost loved one or friends were called the “bereaved person” in the book. Here are the steps: (i) Shock, panic and crying; (ii) guilt and distress; (iii) hostility and resentment; (iv) depression or loneliness; (v) justified; (vi) restless activities; (vii) return to usual life activities; (viii) identification with the deceased
The “bereaved person” will be experiencing all those or part of them randomly many times.
(i) In some part of Japan, there is saying “the tear washes any sadness away” so it is better to cry a lot. It is not good to give a suggestion, “if you cry, the deceased cannot be in peace.”
(ii) The most “bereaved person” regret that they didn’t do enough for good for the
deceased. It is such waste of time to suggest, “do not have such guilty conscious,” rather it is better to listen seriously to what they are saying
(iii) Many “bereaved person” get angry and blame the doctors, hospitals, care givers, and others that they didn’t do good job. Sometime “bereaved person” get angry to the deceased who left “bereaved person” all alone. It is a very common action.
(iv) Some “bereaved person” begin a lot of activities but lose interest soon. It is helpful to talk to those who don’t know what to do. Some “bereaved person” needs to talk their suffering over and over, and even one or two years after some needs to talk.
Hiroko’s best friend’s daughter called from Mitsuwa, Japanese food market, after one year later her mother passed, and said with crying voice, “In this isle there are many things that reminds of Mom. She loved all those and she kept that always on our kitchen table, and she used them to make such delicious Japanese food. Hiroko, I don’t know what is matter with me.“ Hiroko talked with her about her mother and let her know the recipe . The daughter couldn’t mourn at her mother’s death. She suppressed her feelings way down in her heart because of many reasons.
It is much better for “bereaved person” has a person to talk to his/her sadness or hardship. However, some “bereaved person” cannot talk their thought or feeling freely. If those “bereaved person” help other “bereaved person ’ it actually helps the “bereaved person” who can’t talk.
If “bereaved person” has no one to talk to or cannot talk, keeping a journal will be very helpful. In the Journal the “bereaved person” should write true his/her emotional feeling and his/her memories of the loved one.
If the relationship with the deceased was not good, it is very hard. However, the “bereaved person” should be writing his/her true feeling in the journal. It should be very helpful.
The story about the Job in the Bible, any counselor will be learned. Job’s three friends came to see Job and “when they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep and sprinkled dust on their head. Then they sat on the ground with Job for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him.” After the seven days, Job’s friends started to talk to Job as Job opened his mouth, and saying Job should ask the Lord forgiveness for his wrong doing or unrighteousness that cause these troubles. Job and Job’s friends talked a lot but it didn’t help Job. Finally, the Lord came to see and talked with Job, and said to Job’s friend, “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.” … After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord made job prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before.
This story taught us how to counsel those who are in the hardship and mourning. It is very true talking wrong word can’t help anyone, or also talking too much. It is much better not talking and to listen than talking too much.
It is not yet talked about all the things those books mentioned, and the Docter/Pastor teaching us. Hiroko want to write again about this subject. Please share with me your experience on the comment or phone me. Hiroko would like to refer your thought on Hiroko’s blog with your permission.
